Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Nice Guys vs. Bad Boys: Who Do You Love?

Whoa... that's pretty intense - I'll tone it
down for a sec and give you something to take your
mind to off this....

Did you see the final Sex and the City episode where
Carrie went to Paris with her lover?

Carrie's in Paris with her boyfriend and begins
to wonder if she made the right decision to move away
with this man who, deep down inside, she know's doesn't
want the same type of life and relationship she does.

As she makes this realization, her ex, "Big",
has flown to Paris from New York looking to reconcile
with his lost love after realizing his undying love
for Carrie.

And of course, as with all good TV, the two find
each other by luck and fate, and Big finally professes
his love.

Talk about romantic, intense, suspenseful and full
of great drama!

Ok, I thought that might do the trick to warm you
back up.

So what does the story of Carrie's love life have to
do with YOUR love life?

More than you might think - but we'll get to that.

That's why this week I'm giving you a short homework
assignment - and this is what could be the most valuable
5 minutes you'll ever spend on your love life:

I need you to think about one of the first things
I recognized about women way back in junior high -
it's something I still see it today in our "grown-up"
dating world.

Why don't women pick the right guys?

Or even more to the point - why do women pick all
the wrong guys?

If you've had your heart broken, been cheated on,
or find yourself giving everything you've got inside,
to get little or nothing in return, then you know what
I'm talking about.

****Right Now****

Take 5 minutes of time to yourself.

Tune the rest of the world out for just these 5 minutes.

Now, think about each of these questions for a minute
or two each:

1. What is it about "bad boys" or men that aren't
"available" that is attractive to w0men? And to you?

2. Have you ever dated a guy even though you knew
he was a "bad boy" - or found out soon into things?

3. Is there a "nice guy" in your life who would make a
great companion but you're not attracted to or share a
"connection" with?

Don't cheat yourself....

Stop, go back, make sure you take at least 5
minutes of time and think about just these questions....

(Trust me - it's AMAZING what you can actually learn
about the world and yourself if you take a few minutes
of silence to think just about ONE THING at a time. It's
maybe the BEST thing I ever started doing for myself!)

I'll give you some more time....

Ok, so you've thought about it. Let's share our
thoughts and compare notes.

*As a quick inside reminder:

This exercise is all about actively improving
your ability to know what a good man looks like
for YOU and to help you pick ONLY the right men now
and in the future.

Picking the wrong men can get you in all kinds of
painful trouble it's hard to get free of.

But for some reason, women don't want the guys who
are probably better relationship and love companions.

I'm not going to give you ALL the answers right now,
but I'm going to lead you to finding the answers for
yourself - as it's a much more effective way of learning.

So.... I'm gonna address the last question first
about "nice guys".

A friend of mine sent me an article that was on AOL
entitled "What's Wrong With Nice Guys?". Here's a little
quote from the article:

"...Do Women Date Naughty Guys but Marry Nice Ones?

This notion sounds an awful lot like the irritating
good-girl/bad-girl distinction that men continue to
make. Still, it does contain a nugget of sense. Since
women truly are conditioned to be "good girls," sometimes
we feel uncomfortable with or guilty about that pure
burning "I must have him!" feeling. That's why we
sometimes seek out a bad boy to serve as the object
of these desires, says Cleveland psychotherapist
Belleruth Naparstek, creator of the Health Journeys
series of guided imagery tapes. "In order for the
deliciousness of pure lust to be 'okay,' it has to be
for the symbolic bad boy who has nothing to do with
the rest of your life. With him, you can crank up your
animal impulses, worry-free," she says...."

Interesting, huh?

My friend who sent it to me disagrees with the
idea that women seek out "bad boys" because they
need somewhere to project their guilty lust, and I agree.

I disagree that there's something "wrong" with
the fact that women are attracted to "bad boys"...

My friend also made the point that the "mainstream"
psychology and behavior world is starting to accept
the idea that women are attracted to "bad boys".

There's something to the idea that woman don't
feel that powerful GUT LEVEL ATTRACTION for "nice guys"
who chase after them, dote on them and kiss up to them.

A woman might LIKE the experience of the "nice guy"
doing nice things, but it doesn't CREATE attraction
or a connection with the woman.


Trust me, I know men who are the "nice guy" all
the time and they get so frustrated trying so hard
to please a woman and get her interested.

But it's like trying to chew bubble gum to solve
calculus problems.... It's hopeless.

And wouldn't you know it - it works the same
way for "nice women". Being a "nice girl" can't
"convince" a guy to like you just because you do
sweet things....

It just doesn't work like that.

I've had women be the "nice girl" with me in the
past. There's two women I can remember from acting
overly nice and sweet to try and attract me.

Any attraction that was there started falling away.

THE TRUTH of the matter is - kissing up, convincing
and being too "sweet" can kill attraction.


Our subconscious reacts in ways you often can't
control and aren't very aware of.

Being too "nice" sends a signal to the "deep"
part of the mind that tells you "this person isn't
desirable and is lower status".

I know, this might sound kind of dark, power-hungry
or weird to you, but it's what happens with us humans.

People don't value what they can have too easily,
whether they admit it or not.

Ultimately, when women are around "nice guys",
they end up unconsciously thinking, "This man isn't
desirable, I shouldn't date or pursue this guy".

(Ok, there can be another reason, but I won't
disuss it here but it has to do with people who
develop the "nice" persona due to what they feel
they personally lack, and thus "nice" people are
self-selecting and are actually and less confident
and less attractive.)

In the nice guys defense - they might actually
have something better to offer a woman in terms of
what she SAYS she wants (love, trust, companionship,
passion), but the women aren't able to see it - or
see it as something they want.


Women don't develop a connection to the nice guy
and the "connection" is the MAGIC ingredient for
attraction with most women.

Which leads us to the "bad boy"!

You might not agree with me, but women DO feel
that magical emotion called ATTRACTION for "bad boys".

Of course, I don't believe that men have to be
jerks, or abuse women in order to make them feel
attracted to them.

But women have a deep attraction mechanism that's
triggered by men who behave indifferent, superior,
cocky, the list goes of "bad" behavior. You've seen it.

"Bad boys" often create inviting and intoxicating
forms of drama - often perceived as playfulness,
sexuality and fun.

When I first talk to women about the bad boy
subject, they jump ALL OVER me and completely disagree.

Then I ask them about some of the relationships
they've had in the past.

And guess what?

Most women realize in the course of the conversation
that they've dated men they knew fit the "bad boy"

What makes me laugh is that the realization makes
them argue with me even more!

So why do women date and continue on with "bad boys"?

The answer to this question when I ask it to
women is almost UNIVERSAL.

"We had a great connection".

Some women call it "chemistry".

The magic of a connection with a man can be
extremely powerful. Often powerful enough to undo
all sorts of reasoning abilities and ways of perceiving

Women picking and staying with the wrong men is
the single biggest mistake I see women make. It's the
most common reason why the thousands of women I hear
from can't find the love and fulfillment they're
looking for.

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