Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Cutting the Apron Strings

actually you know i thought there was something wrong with me, well till i read this article

The Italian government is worried enough about the number of grown men still living in the parental home to give them grants to leave. that would be nice, pay me to leave home...

We look at the numbers of British men yet to fly the nest and give advice on how to get your mummy's boy to finally move out.

It seems to be an increasing problem. More and more adult men are choosing to stay at home with mum and dad until well into their 20s - or even longer.

In Italy the full nest has become a political issue, with so many young people - around two thirds - staying in the parental home rather than marrying and starting their own families, that the government is to hand out grants to help them on their way. 1st where are the good babes to marry...2nd will you pay the bride price?

Here in the UK the situation is almost as bad with latest official figures showing that between the ages of 20-24 nearly 60% of young men are still living with mum and nearly a quarter (22%) are still there into their late twenties.thats some of the statistics we need from the census....not that one state has more people than the other

As Richard, 25, puts it: "Why would I want to move? My mum and dad have a nice house. I've got my own room with all my stuff. The house is comfortable and warm, I get dinner cooked and my washing done and there's always something nice to eat in the fridge or the larder. "I don't get any hassle, my girlfriend can stay over when she wants and I can come and go as I please. If I moved out I'd just be living in some poky flatshare for loads more money, so I'd rather stay put. It makes sense to me." richard, enough said...

Although in many cases it can be an economic decision, there can be a big psychological price to pay both for the young man and his parents - let alone future girlfriends who will be expected to take over the care of a cosseted, potentially helpless male and provide the sort of service that mum used to provide. Post Girl Power there can't be many takers for that kind of role. thats why my babe has to be my mum,sister,friend,lover,and bearer of my kids....

Counsellor Phillip Hodson explains: "We have a bit of a crisis in the male sex at the moment, as opposed to no crisis at all in the female. Men are being constantly out performed by women in all areas. The future really does look as though its female. "Females seem to be better self-starters, better at getting out there and getting on with life, better used to hard work and at taking initiative whereas men seem afraid to risk competition and rejection. "For some men, this means it's a lot easier to stay in the comfort of the parental home where mum still cooks, does the washing and still thinks the sun shines out of his proverbial, even if no one else does. "Obviously the financial situation is a factor too. For most young people their parental home also offers all the luxuries they have got used to and are unlikely to be able to afford when they first set up on their own. So it is tempting to stay put,"

he explains. "The old incentives to go are no longer there. In the past a man had to leave home to have an adult life and develop sexual relationships with women but modern parents are more relaxed and will allow girlfriends to stay so that need has gone also," he adds.

However, Hodson warns that keeping your son at home means he will never get the chance to grow up - and mum will never get the chance to grow and enjoy the freedom that later life can bring, without the intense demands of bringing up children, however old they are. He says: "If you are always catering to your children's needs then you are allowing them to run your life and at the same time not helping them to live theirs, become independent and form their own households. Some part of them will always fail to grow up while they still live with their parents."well i guess thats a bit true?

Finally, with Brits, male and female, clocking up the longest working hours in Europe while women still bear the brunt of the domestic chores, it's not difficult to see trouble ahead for any relationship where a mummy's boy just jumps from one nest to another. No woman will thank you for bringing up a son ill-prepared to cook, clean, iron and generally take care of himself. So do everyone a favour and help him out of that door, once and for all.

Tips to get your mummy's boy to leave

1. Remember who rules the roost "Remind him this is your house," says Hodson, a Fellow of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP). "It is his home only on sufferance. You pay for it, you repair and maintain it and you are responsible for it. This is not a democratic situation, this is a situation where the one who owns the deeds calls the shots."

2. Plan an 'exit strategy' Arrange an incentive, with a deadline. If necessary suggest that you may move to another area or a smaller home. Or even another country. "Ask him what he thinks he'll do when that happens," says Hodson, "Get him to start seeing a way of living his own life outside the parental home."

3. Offer support Encourage him if he needs to be helped into a career or job. Find out what he'd like to do. Even look at the possibility of him moving away to somewhere where property is more affordable.

4. Don't give in to pleading or emotional blackmail "You will no doubt encounter protests and your son may be very angry. But stick to your guns and remember it is a difficult situation but not an impossible one," says Hodson. "If he says hurtful things, like 'you don't care about me' or 'I hate you' remember what it was like when he was a teenager. He probably said he hated you then, many times. He didn't, he just hated the situation. This is similar.

5. Be resolute - stick to a deadline "When he starts protesting, 'But, but, but...' - and he probably will - stand firm. Tell him, 'I can see you feel angry, but this is the decision'," says Hodson. Be strong in the knowledge you are doing the right thing, for both of you.

at the end of the day we're all going to leave our folks place, atleast so they can enjoy wats left of their honey moon but for now....?
:: For more details of Phillip Hodson's work see

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