Friday, February 15, 2008

Fight The Desire to Put Her on a Pedestal

Today we're going to talk about tragedy. What a downer, but it's gotta be done.
We're going to talk about The Tragedy of the Self-Defeating Man.Catchy title, this might not be so bad.
Something that tends to happen with ALL men - and especially those who haven't had as much success with women - is they get stuck on ONE woman.
I don't mean they get trapped in a monogamous relationship that is unhealthy. That's a different newsletter.
Today, we're going to talk about the man who never GETS to the romantic level with a woman. And it drives him batty. It makes him try even HARDER to get her, and he'll try again and again until she can't stand the thought of him.
It's a natural reaction. Humans hate rejection. Faced with one,NOTHING feels better than reversing it. We get into a competition with whatever man we imagine she's waiting for, and we're NOT going to lose.
And I think of baseball.
In baseball, unlike most other sports, you need to be relaxed to succeed. You can't be too concerned about any one at bat, or you literally choke the bat. You lose your fluidness, you lose your rhythm, you tense up, and you wind up choking yourself.
Women are the same way. If you strike out, the WORST thing you can do is try NOT to strike out again. The BEST thing you can do is take your next at-bat like you would in a batting cage. Relaxed and allowing your swing to be natural.
Ok, this metaphor has gone too far. Let's get back to simple reality.
When a guy fails to get romantic with a woman he's attracted to and he becomes MORE determined to get her, he winds up suffocating her with attention. He chases her, and what do we do when we're chased?
We run away.
Worse, the woman gets built up in the guy's mind to this elusive perfect creature, and the rejection sting just gets WORSE the more time and thought he puts into her. He feels MORE attraction, and the more he feels, the farther away she runs.
Enough tragedy, let's get healthy.
First, the woman is almost CERTAINLY not as great as you think she is. You start off attracted physically, but the more beautiful women you meet, the more you realize they are as screwed up as everyone else. Sometimes more, because they wind up with a skewed view of the world because of their beauty.
What's more, people always try to put their best foot forward when first meeting someone, and you can wind up with a more positive image than the complete reality warrants.
Combine your pedestal view of the woman with the need to overcome rejection and the forbidden fruit, you wind up with an unhealthy obsession that just drives the woman away and makes you miserable.
You can know all this and still do it, so you need to remind yourself often.
A woman who is attractive, intelligent, sane, and has her life together is REALLY rare. You can date a different woman every night for a year and not find one. And you CERTAINLY aren't going to know if the current woman you are interested in is one of these rare creatures until you've spent a LOT of time with her.
And you'll NEVER find out if you spend all your time chasing her away.
The solution? RELAX. Let go of love-at-first-sight dreams - if it happens, then there won't be any rejections to worry about anyway.MOST of the time we're dealing with lust-at-first-sight, and we get confused about it as other emotions push us into pursuit.
When a woman isn't interested, the healthiest thing you can do for BOTH of you is to say that most powerful word, you know the one,all together now:
Forcing yourself on a woman NEVER works. It doesn't have to be the creepy afternoon special forcing yourself either, just PUSHING too hard is a major turn-off.
You need to remember that the girl you're thinking about, most likely, ISN'T as special as you think. There are PLENTY of others out there, and plenty of THEM WILL be interested in you.
Why waste your time on one who isn't?
The best thing you can do is go out and meet tons of women. As you have more success you'll get a better grasp of what kinds of women are out there. You'll also start to realize that, as perfect as one might seem at first, rarely does that impression last forever.
IF you've been out with numerous women AND you're seeing one who seems like everything you've ever wanted AND you still think that after months of dating, great. You've found her.
But UNTIL you've done that, you really can't know. So let that logical brain supercede the emotional one and realize your early impressions AREN'T THAT ACCURATE.
That's no fault of yours. You just don't have enough data points to really know who she is.
But while this is all very logical, it doesn't really help the EMOTIONAL aspect, which almost always rules us humans no matter how much we try to argue it down.
So the key is to AVOID THE EMOTIONAL from the get-go. Stop yourself from prematurely getting emotionally involved.
Learn to say NEXT from the beginning. Don't look at each new woman you meet as a potential ANYTHING except a learning experience. When you finally DO meet a woman who meets your highest expectations,you'll know it's REAL because she had to convince you.
If you stop yourself from getting emotionally attached, it's much easier to let a woman who's not interested go.
Once you're emotionally invested, it's tough to let go, even if you KNOW that it's based on nothing but your own WANT and has nothing to do with her.
You want an exercise, do you? Ok, here's an easy one. The next five women you are attracted to, talk to them. Establish rapport. Do everything you would do if you wanted to create attraction.
And then let her go. DON'T pursue her at all, don't get a number,just take mental notes of what works well and what doesn't, so you can use it in future interactions. Which should happen in the same frame - each approach is just practice for the next.
Oddly enough, you'll find that nonchalance has an ENCHANTING affect on women, and you might have some start to show a lot of interest in you.
Refuse them! That's right, I'm telling you to turn down sex, if it comes to that. I'm an evil evil sensei.
If one winds up so desperate that you just can't help it, then when you progress romantically, remember that YOU are doing HER the favor. You're breaking a disciplined practice to satiate this begging lady.
What a gallant guy you are, eh?
Carry this attitude around, and you should be able to avoid the irrational attachment to the ones who get away. No more tragedy.Hello happy aesthetic life full of women who want to be near you.Instead of YOU chasing THEM and driving them away, you want to get THEM chasing YOU.
All it takes is changing the frame of your interactions. Don't chase. They'll be so surprised - all men chase these attractive women - that they'll wind up intrigued and, eventually, they WILL chase you.
And that's when you can get picky.
Maybe I'm not such an evil sensei after all.
REMEMBER, you aren't going to know what a woman is really like on that first meeting. Unless you study psychology, communication and hidden behavior in-depth, the best foot forward and the real foot back are just too different to be seen immediately.
Of course, you CAN pick my brain, as I've done a lot of study and I can pass on some of what I've learned. You can find everything you need to get your game up to par on Seduction Science.
Continue practicing relaxed confidence to radically improve your game and the quality of women you bring into your life.
Until Next Time,
Your Friend,

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