Friday, February 22, 2008

Boyfriend Checklist

1. He must be intelligent and articulate.
2. He must have an appreciation for good food [although he does not have to be a foodie].
3. He must have respect for geeks. They rule the world and they’ve triumphed over those silly high school jocks.
4. He must be emotionally mature and in touch with his feelings. Romance is not a dirty word.
5. He must be aware of the meaning behind a light blue hanky and a dark blue hanky.
6. He must have a sense of humor. Smile a little, laugh a lot.
7. He must never mix the soy sauce with the wasabi. California rolls are an abomination best left hidden.
8. He must not be a Republican. Or a libertarian.
9. He must understand the difference between role-playing games/RPGs and roleplaying situations. One of these things has nothing to do with the other.
10. He must know how to kiss, and not like a pez dispenser.
11. He must be compassionate.
12. He must know what he wants out of life. It’s fine to be aimless when you’re a twenty year old Young Thing, not so much when you’re in my age range.
13. He must not be a one note top. It’s all about the motion of the ocean.
14. He must not be a pushy bottom. Good sex is like Torville and Dean’s Bolero.
15. He must be gainfully employed.
16. He must not be a butter nazi. Fat equals flavor.
17. He must know the difference between Barthes and Sartre and be prepared to defend one over the other.
18. He must like old movies.
19. He must know who Jack Kirby and Frank Miller are.
20. He must have some appreciation for Barry Manilow.
21. He must not mix up Olivia Newton-John with Jane Fonda.
22. Opera is not a foreign language.
23. A penis is not a weenie. Don’t give your dick a pet name unless it’s extraordinarily special, if you know what I mean.
24. “Toned” does not exist in his lexicon. He doesn’t have to be a meathead but he should recognize that one goes to the gym to lift, not to “tone up”.
25. He must not take over the bed when we’re sleeping.
26. He must like to take showers, but not obsessively.
27. He must recognize that musical genius did not begin with Madonna.
28. He should tell me to shut up when I get hysterical.
29. He must be courteous and polite. Always let a woman exit an elevator first, always say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and NEVER talk about your ex[es] on the first date, among other things.
30. He must not express incredulity at my lack of knowledge of pop culture.
31. Books are not meant to be wall decorations.
32. He shouldn’t be as serious as I am.
33. John Belushi and Jay Leno ARE NOT the same person.
34. He must read at least one newspaper. Sorry, but the N.Y. Post does not qualify. Ditto for the Daily News.
35. He must not watch The Food Network. Or if he does, he must recognize that Bobby Flay can’t cook jackshit.
36. He must not be half my height.
37. He must have a reasonably well-kept appearance.
38. He must be self-confident. “Dominant” and “masculine” are not words in his vocabulary. Those qualities are self-evident in his nature without him having to say so.
39. He must like to wear sneakers.
40. He must be a fan of public transportation.
41. He must not equate New York City with Sodom-on-the-Hudson.
42. He must be able to be flamboyant. Get in touch with your inner Ethel.
43. He must like holding hands in public.
44. Being gay is a part of him but he doesn’t wear it on his sleeve.
45. He must be a good listener, in addition to being able to communicate effectively.
46. He must be a good person. Put it another way: you don’t have to be spiritual to be religious, but you can’t have religion without spirituality.
47. He must be able to go from Water Music to wild child in under five seconds.
48. He must not be provincial.
49. He must not have a cell phone. Or if he does, he should be patient with me because I am cellphone-less.
50. Barbra is a goddess. That is all.

still wondering why shes still


  1. Beautifully spoken

  2. You are fuckin' picky bitch.

    Ever heard of plain and simple love? Didn't think so. Good luck. Btw, let me know if you have a boyfriend because i doubt you do, and if someone like you could get a boyfriend.... I need to go jump off a cliff, the world ended a while ago.

    1. thats soo sad. you're a dick

  3. Good look fatty, You will die alone.

  4. look just because she has standards doesnt mean she cant get a bfoyfriend or doesnt have one. Granted there are a lot of them and she might wanna lower a few of them but she took the time to write 40 things so just cut her some slack. I would also get a better attitute if i were you. No one wants to date someone with a pole up thier ass.

  5. It's a gay dude looking for a gay boyfriend. Read it! He's still being totally unreasonable and way too picky, I agree, but I'm just saying, let's be accurate. It's a guy.

  6. See it's funny because my current boyfriend fits all those standards (except the republican bit). I don't waste my time making stupid lists like these; I get out there and attain what I want. This list...what a turn-off. If you want it so badly, go get it. By the way, I'm engaged to "your perfect boyfriend."