***QUESTION FROM A READER***
Hi Christian,
I wondered if you could help. I was going out
with a guy for 10 years. At the start we were
madly in love, there was passion, security,
everything, although intellectually we were
incompatible. I needed friends and other
contacts which he resented. He became
increasingly jealous and controlling. We lived
together but in February of this year I
moved out. I couldn't stop seeing him entirely.
I was still attached to him. However this
August he came round to my house and after
a particularly ugly display of emotion he
kicked my door. I said I no longer wanted any
contact and kept that up for nearly 3 months.
He was broken hearted and begged me back many
many times. I was as cold as ice and still
resentful as to his behavior previously. Over
time I softened and thought it might be time
to meet up. At the last minute I cancelled
and he went out on a pub crawl. Overnight his
attitude changed!!!! He met someone else who
he has been seeing for the last 3 weekends
(even though he hates to admit it). I
knew straight away. Now it is me who is
heartbroken. I feel that life has come back
and kicked me in the teeth and I want
him back. I miss him. However after trying
to see him and getting replies like he needs
'space' I have decided to cut all contact
again. What can I do? Will he come back? Or
has he just met a newer model and in fact his
feelings for me were superficial?
***MY RESPONSE***
I've got to be honest with you.
I cringed as I read several things here...
and the only thing running through my head was,
"WHAT IS SHE THINKING!?!?"
Do me a favor-
Take a deep breath... center yourself for
a minute... make sure you're sitting up straight
and paying attention... and go ahead and give
yourself a good hard SLAP!
OK. Now that you know how much this hurts
and how dumb this is to do to yourself... I want
you to go ahead and do it again.
Seriously.
Give yourself one more good hard SLAP across
the face.
Now, in case you don't get it yet, this is
exactly what you're doing to yourself in your
love life right now.
By slapping yourself, you've just PHYSICALLY
experienced what it is that you're doing to
yourself EMOTIONALLY in your love life.
Get it!?
Good.
Hopefully now you'll start to wake up to
what you're doing to yourself here.
But let's get on to WHAT TO DO.
There's a very complex and sophisticated
"technique" I'm going to show you that you need
to use in your situation...
Pay close attention here, because this one
is tricky. Too tricky for lots of women.
Ready?
Here's the complex technique I want you to
use in your situation-
MOVE ON!
For anyone else who was seeing things clearly
and thinking about what would actually work in
their love life... moving on would be pretty
simple and straightforward.
But not for you.
And yeah, I get that breakups and moving
on isn't as easy as 1, 2, 3. It can take time
for you to move past your old feelings.
But clinging to your old feelings and your
false ideals of how things were in the past, and
trying to get back there is only leading to your
own SUFFERING, and taking you back to a place that
you honestly don't want to be.
Here's the thing...
It's painfully obvious, and any old "pop
psychologist" could tell you, that as soon as
this guy stopped pursuing you, you wanted him
back.
But that's actually NOT the REAL TRUTH here.
The real truth is that as soon as a man isn't
pursuing you, you of course want the ATTENTION
back.
But more importantly, you want the strange
comfort that comes from having ANY MAN around that
you believe has the POTENTIAL to be a good man
and "make you happy" (instead of insisting on a
man who is actually a good man).
I'm getting pretty deep here, so I'll get to
the point.
If you were honest with yourself, you'd
realize that you're NOT concerned with wanting
this particular guy back.
No. Instead, you want him back at your
doorstep in the hopes of AVOIDING something else
you know in the back of your mind would be far
worse for you than being back in your old
relationship that didn't work in the first place.
Something that makes you feel 50 times more
fearful and uncomfortable than not getting this
particular man back into your life.
And that certain something is BEING ALONE.
Think about it for a minute...
I want you to step back from everything going
on around you and in your love life right now.
And I want you to get in touch with what's
going on for YOU, instead of what's going on
with the man in your life.
Now answer a simple question for me-
Answering honestly, how many of the things
that you do, or the things that you've chosen
for yourself when it comes to men and
relationships, stems from your own personal
fear of being alone?
Take a minute to think this through.
This could be a huge moment for you right
now... so open your mind up and take a good
hard look.
I'll give you a few minutes to think about
this.
...
...
Ok, good.
Now, did you see anything new that you didn't
recognize about yourself before?
Take out a pen and a piece of paper right
now and write down what you just learned or
identified about yourself.
To compare notes now, let me share some
common things women do to avoid their fear of
being single or alone...
-Dating "Unavailable Men": This one is common
but counterintuitive to understand. Lots of women
who are afraid of being alone end up picking the
same kind of men over and over who just don't
"get it" and don't show up emotionally in
relationships. Of course, if you do this, at
the root of the problem is YOU. You don't believe
in your ability to meet a REAL MAN, or to have
a REAL relationship... so you take what comes
along (anything) and try to make the situation,
and the man, into something more than it is.
-Accepting "Unacceptable" Behavior From Men: If
you're a woman who's afraid of being alone more
than you are of being in a BAD, NEGATIVE, HURTFUL
RELATIONSHIP... then guess what you're likely to
end up with? That's right... a bad relationship.
-Acting "Needy": When you are afraid of being
alone, or living independently, men can quickly
sense this inside you... even if you don't ever
say it. You send off a kind of "vibe" or "energy"
when you get close to a man. Usually this looks,
in part, like clingy or needy behavior. And guess
what? This is 100% Grade A Man-Repellent if
you are looking to ATTRACT a man and build the
foundation for a lasting relationship.
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Spark Networks
Gay.com
Meetic
Be2
