Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Subject: The Essence Of Being Cool

There once was a man named Adam. He was a nice enough fellow - he didn't really know any better - and he had a woman, food, plenty of sex and nudity, more pets than a zoo, and lived an idyllic life.

Only one thing - he couldn't eat one particular fruit. Other than that, he could do whatever he wanted. So what'd he do?

Obviously, he ate the fruit. Thus begat a looooooong tradition in all humanity; we want what we can't have.

Psychologists have a name for this, given us by that early Adam. It's the forbidden fruit complex, and almost everyone has it to one degree or another. Women have a name for this too. It's called playing hard-to-get.

Now, some significant time later, there was another Adam. The poor guy didn't really know what he was doing with women, and he rarely had successful dates. Finally, through blind luck, he found himself in a relationship. Overnight the world changed - ladies smiled at him, some chatted him up - in general, he became this much more attractive man.

He became the forbidden fruit.

Only it's much more complex than that. Most of the women didn't know he was dating someone else. Part of it perhaps was he was happy and confident, but he'd been happy and confident alone before, without this change coming. What was going on?

The forbidden fruit is the obvious and easy little trick we can watch humanity fall for. But there is an opposite corollary; we don't want what we can have.

Theories for this abound. Some people think it's because our unconscious mind is triggered to think ourselves BETTER than those who are desperate to be with us. Some people just find it boring - where's the thrill? The chase? The get-to-know-you game?

Maybe it smacks of self-consciousness and a lack of confidence - why do you NEED me so much? What's wrong with you?

Maybe it's the insult of skin-deep lust. Hey, some women enjoy one-nighters as much as the next guy, but outside of the porn industry, few women want to be viewed as just a body. And if you want it SO BAD in such a short amount of time, well, you don't truly know her so we know what you REALLY want.

Maybe it makes no logical sense at all, and it's useless to analyze.

What we CAN do, though, is recognize it for the pattern it is, and learn from it. Just as you were turned off by that nerdy girl in high school who had the crush on you, attractive women are turned off by drooling dorks.

But now we've got a problem. If women don't like men who obviously like them, and we only want to be with women we like, who don't like us 'cause we like like them... this quickly turns into a Wonder Years nightmare scenario of hopelessness.

This paradox is probably the cause of something like 95% of the world's loneliness. It's a pity our emotional brain - the part of the mind that is responsible for attraction - is such a mess. But that's the way it is.

I guess we should all get used to it and prepare for a life of marriage to someone we settle for, not someone we want. Right?

Understand this is the way it USUALLY happens. It's not the way it HAS TO happen.

We've said before that attractive women assume as a matter of course that all men want them. It might not always be true - maybe not every bum sitting outside the library with an upside down hat in front of them wants your quarter - but it's true enough that it's a useful rule in her daily life.

She knows how to deal with men when she knows what they want.

So what do you need to do?


You don't need to tell her how much you want her. And - more importantly, since most people don't open with "I want you" - you cannot SHOW her.

Really, this is the definition of cool.

You may think you're playing it cool and not telegraphing your intentions, but guess what - if the intentions are there, you probably are.

There are literally THOUSANDS of physical clues that set off a woman's radar. You lean in too far or approach too close, you fidget with buttons, you laugh about things that aren't funny, you awkwardly get in position for a hand-hold.

And about 2000 more.

If you were a yogini you might be able to approach a woman with her attractiveness front and center in your brain and control all the little tics that give you away as a bundle of nervous sexual energy.

Of course, if you were a yogini, you probably wouldn't be interested in this, but that's another story.

No, there is a much easier way to deal with this, to eliminate all the signs that say "I want you."

The simple answer is RELAX.

The longer answer is DON'T TRY. Pretend she's your sister. Pretend she's an episode in Grand Theft Auto. Pretend she's a practice conversation for some imaginary future.

Whatever you do, DON'T think about going back to your place with her. Really, you don't need to pretend - you can simply MAKE the conversation practice.

With every woman.

From now to forever.

You just CAN'T show a girl your cards early on. It's death to attraction. It transmits all the wrong things. Sure, you might get away with it now and again, but not usually, and NEVER with extremely attractive women in high demand.

And until you realize that, you should treat all women as practice with that bit of knowledge.

Because it's never going anywhere otherwise.

Once you DO realize it, you'll see that you just need to do what you've been doing, treating a lady as a practice conversation with NO aim.

Like a cat, if you try and pet her, you'll never catch up to her. But act chill around cats - even ignore them - and you'll have them crawling all over you.

This is the way of life. It is one of the most important concepts you'll ever learn when it comes to attraction and dating. Act with ulterior motives and she'll know, guaranteed, and you've lost all hope with her.

Act with no expectations and it's a fair bet she'll see a bit of the forbidden fruit in you.

THIS is what people mean when they say to just be yourself. If you can simply enjoy being YOU and living YOUR life around women without chasing them, it works. It says you are an interesting confident guy who might ENJOY being with a particular woman, but you don't NEED that woman.

Unlike modifying your behavior around her, which smacks of insecurity and weakness.

So do what you need to do to ELIMINATE every yearning in your interactions with attractive women?

Convince yourself you're too busy for her anyway. Or - better yet - too good for her. Or only talk to women within areas that have easy access to cold showers.

Whatever you need to do to get yourself in the right frame of mind, do it.

Remember, she's just practice. In fact, if you TELL her that when you first start chatting - something like "I'm practicing talking with attractive women so I can become more comfortable around them." - it actually can work very well.

Go out and PRACTICE practicing. This is a simple concept, really, but hard to put into, ahem, practice. You'll probably hold your head well for a bit before a situation turns promising and you think you're in, and the magic ends. You lose it - just for a second - and you may never recover.
Of course, just standing around not wanting women isn't enough. You need to know how to go up to them, talk to them, trigger attraction in them, and eventually seal the deal. I spent years figuring the necessary steps and body language out, and I've put it all into my newest course, Seduction Science's Get The Girlfriend, http://www.seductionscience.com/getthegirlfriend

Until next time.

Your Friend,


derek,s good aint he....

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